Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame on You!

Hi friends! I'm using the name of the Shirley & Company song in an attempt to add some levity to a very serious emotion . Have you ever felt that hot, prickly feeling creeping up your neck? You know, the one that makes you want to disappear into the hedges like Homer Simpson? Yeah, that's shame. We've all been there, and honestly, it's not a fun place to be. When it comes to mental health, my experience is that shame is one of the many mountains we need to climb and overcome. So that got me wondering: what's the deal with shame anyway? Is it just a random bad feeling, or is there more to it? Why do we even need it (or do we)? I did a little digging, and here is what I found.

Numbers and Research? Turns Out, Shame is a Big Deal!

You might be surprised to learn that shame isn't just some fleeting emotion we brush off. It's a powerful feeling that researchers have been looking into for a while. I couldn't find exact "facts and figures" like you'd see for, say, unemployment rates. It’s difficult, if not impossible, to quantitatively measure shame. However, there’s a body of research out there on this messy subject that we can dive into.

What I did find is that shame is often linked to some significant stuff. Studies have connected it to things like increased anxiety and depression, lower self-esteem, and even difficulties in relationships. Think about it – when you feel ashamed, you're probably not feeling your best, right? It makes sense that it can impact other areas of your life, and not in a positive way.

One interesting thing I stumbled upon is that shame is often confused with guilt. While they both feel bad, there's a key difference. Guilt is usually about something you did – like, "I feel guilty for forgetting my friend's birthday." Shame, on the other hand, is more about who you are as a person – like, "I am a bad friend for forgetting their birthday." See the difference? Shame feels way more personal and impactful. It’s a direct attack on your feelings of self-worth.

Why Does This Feeling Even Exist?

Okay, so shame isn't great, but why do we even feel it in the first place? From what I've gathered, it seems like shame might have had some sort of evolutionary purpose. Back in the day, being part of a group was crucial for survival. Shame could have acted like an internal alarm, signaling that we'd done something that might get us rejected from the group. That fear of being ostracized could have helped us stick to social norms.

Of course, we're not living in caves anymore, but that ingrained feeling can still pop up. We feel shame when we perceive that we've fallen short of social expectations, broken a rule (even an unspoken one), or when we feel exposed or vulnerable. It's like our internal critic goes into overdrive.

Making Things a Little Less Shame-y

The good news is, while shame is a tough feeling, it's not something we have to be stuck with forever. Here are a few things I've learned that might help us all navigate it a little better:

• Talk about it: Seriously, just voicing those shameful feelings can take some of their power away. Finding a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to talk to can make a huge difference. You might even find out they've felt something similar!

• Practice self-compassion: This is a big one. Instead of beating ourselves up when we feel shame, we can try to treat ourselves with the same kindness we'd offer someone we care about in the same situation. We would never make their shame feel worse, right? We must acknowledge the feeling but remember that everyone makes mistakes and has flaws.

• Challenge those negative thoughts: Shame often comes with a whole load of harsh self-criticism. Try to question those thoughts. Are they really true? What's the evidence? Often, you’ll find that we are way harder on ourselves than we need to be.

• Focus on growth: Instead of dwelling on the "bad" thing that triggered the shame, try to see it as an opportunity for learning and growth. What can you take away from the experience? Is there a lesson that can be learned? Probably. That doesn’t mean this chance for personal growth needs to be laden with feelings of shame. We are imperfect humans, and as we all know, very capable of making mistakes.

  

We're All in This Together

Honestly, learning about shame has helped me feel that I am a little less alone in those uncomfortable moments. It's a universal human experience, even if it doesn't always feel like it. The real lesson here is that we need to try to be a little kinder to ourselves and each other when those feelings pop up. We're all walking a similar path, trying to understand it as best we can. A little humility and grace can go a long way to reducing the impact shame can have on us and the people we care about.

I’m not ashamed to say that I care about all of you. Please take care of yourselves and each other. It would be a shame if we didn’t.

Disclaimer: While music can be a powerful tool for emotional well being, the information in this blog should not be a substitute for professional advice or therapy. The information provided in this blog post is intended for general knowledge and informational purposes only, and does not constitute medical or professional advice.  I am not a trained mental health expert, and the content shared here should not be considered a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a mental health emergency, please do not hesitate to call 911 or your local emergency services. You can also contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or text HOME to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line